BREAKING NEWS: Groundbreaking Greek innovations in language, metrology, TV

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Last night’s marathon experimental session held at the studios of Greek state TV station ERT by a multi-disciplinary team of scientists produced rich results across several fields of enquiry, proving once again the Greek talent for innovation.

The first clear result was an addendum to the dictionary definition of “debate”. The new definition includes the following succinct sub-definition: “A height contest”. The addition was made after Conservative Nea Demokratia leader Evangelos “Vangelas” Meimarakis made several joking references (in a “joking-but-not-really-joking” manner) to the split-screen camerawork, which he implied was framed so as to diminish his (physical) stature relative to his debating opponent Alexis Tsipras of Syriza. Mr Meimarakis returned to the topic after being asked to comment on the debate, however other sources suggest that his irritation had more to do with ERT’s decision to air allegations by a small-circulation newspaper about his personal property dealings during the afternoon broadcast zone. While neither alleged action produced effects clearly visible to the naked eye, the Nea Demokratia team’s sensitive instrumentation was able to bring these findings to prominence.

In addition, the session was able to produce an important advance in the field of metrology, the science of measurement, by establishing an alternative measurement method for height. Rather than following the conventional practice of using a tape measure calibrated against the international prototype metre held at the Bureau international des poids et mesures in Sèvres, the new method uses three hours of television time under strict conditions established by the frontrunners in the Greek elections. Syriza and Nea Demokratia will be lodging a joint patent application for their discovery and are widely tipped as leading candidates to share a Nobel prize.

On a more commercial front, Syriza and Nea Demokratia intend to establish joint global rights over the the new TV format for political debating, which they believe will have global appeal and could prove even more lucrative than previous successful reality TV formats, such as Big Brother and The X Factor. They plan to target traditionally neglected niche audience segments, such as the care home market, as well as promoting the format as an alternative insomnia cure.

Assessing the importance of these discoveries, experts noted that this was a great day for science and innovation, which surely bodes well for a Greek economic recovery. They also noted that none of these discoveries would have been possible without the spirit of cooperation established between the rival teams of scientists in the context of this experiment. They agreed that this was the most promising sign so far for a new era of progress in the political field.

Image: Tape measure from http://www.bargello.cz/ licensed under GNU Free Documentation License.

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BREAKING NEWS: Groundbreaking Greek innovations in language, metrology, TV

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