CONFIDENTIAL: Kremlin Calling


23 SEPT 2015 05:03am EST






The following is a transcript from an intercepted call received at the Megaro Maximou, Wednesday 23rd September 2015, 7:32am Athens time (GMT+1).

The caller identifies himself as Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation. The call recipient is Alexis Tsipras, Prime Minister of the Hellenic Republic. Only the caller’s side of the conversation has been recorded.

Supporting information is hyperlinked.

This transcript should be treated with utmost caution (see analyst’s note).

VP: Good morning, Aleksei… Vladimir here. I hope you don’t mind that I say your name the Russian way, I feel that we are like family now…

AT: [inaudible]

VP: I thought you would like it. Listen, my friend, now you have my official congratulations I wanted to call you for a little man-to-man chat.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: First of all, I am pleased to see you have teamed up with Fatty again. He is a good guy, he understands how we do biznes. And his cousin, great appointment. Excellent knowledge of chernyi piar. Shame he had to shut down his Twitter account but don’t worry, my friend, I have a thousand trolls that can take his place.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: Oh, you didn’t know about that? Yes, great talent… Listen, my friend, tinkering with poll numbers is for our dear friends in liberal democracies who care about the niceties, but nice job blaming the opposition. No, I am talking about good internet and cheap non-union labour. Really effective, very democratic, totally non-traceable. And, hey, I see you appointed my good friend the cabbage patch kid again to talk to the foreigners. I like him, too. Maybe next time instead of doing karaoke for NATO he can come and be my opening act?

AT: [inaudible]

VP: And by the way, were the Americans in touch about the “double” plot? Nice one, eh, the old double bluff? I had half the CIA waterboarding the other half for weeks looking for a rogue agent. Amateurs!

AT: [inaudible]

VP: I knew you would get it Aleksei. Great men like us, we are above ideology. We leave that to the masses who take the bus to work, ha ha ha. Now listen, Aleksei, I want to be serious for a minute.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: You understand, I am sorry we embarrassed you over a few roubles but I think you appreciate, we cannot afford to leave, how you say, audit trail. And besides, how dare you embarrass ME by sending that washed-up Bolshevist bootlick to the Kremlin?

AT: [inaudible]

VP: No no, I am not upset. Listen, Aleksei, I know you are going to talk to the fishwife and all your deviant friends in Brussels today. I want you to keep them off our friend Bashar in Syria. You understand? No more embargoes, no questioning my humanitarian missions, no bombings.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: Well as you say, my friend, that is “European problem”.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: We can talk about that another time. Just keep them off Bashar for now. And if you get in to trouble, remind them of the pipeline.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: Yes I know, just say “South Stream” if you want to see grown men cry, right? Oh, and by the way you can tell Cameron OUR embargo on British pork is permanent, heh heh.

AT: [inaudible]

VP: Now Aleksei you know I can’t get my friends at Gazprom to front you the money. No audit trail, remember? But I can have word with some of my close friends here to make sure your football teams stay in business. We don’t want the masses to lose track of priorities now, do we?

AT: [inaudible]

VP: And do give my warmest regards to your Red Betty. You know, she reminds me of the kind of sexy little firebrand I used to [inaudible] with at the Communist Youth Camps back in the day. Very passionate. Are you sure we haven’t met before?

AT: [inaudible]

VP: Ha ha, no my friend, of course I did not mean to offend you. She is too old for me anyway. Listen, when is Fatty back in Crimea? We need to organize “Big Fat Greek Wedding” ha ha ha, know what I mean?

AT: [inaudible]

VP: I knew you would like that. And next time I see you, I want to give you good workout in dojo, like real men. I see you pile on the pounds, you need to stay how you say fighting trim for the ladies. OK comrade, as we used to say here, we will talk soon.


Analyst note: We would advise enhanced verification procedures of the contents of this intercept, in light of recent instances of impersonation.

Stories, tweets and Facebook posts linked to or reproduced are genuine. Everything in between is a fabrication.


CONFIDENTIAL: Kremlin Calling

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