Greeks are waiting with bated breath for tonight’s televised address to the nation by Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras, wondering which Alexis will be taking to their screens and why*. Rumours that Tsipras was kidnapped earlier this year by a neoliberal cabal and replaced by an austerity-friendly double have received further support by the PM’s erratic behaviour in recent weeks.
Veteran Tsipras-watchers point to his strangely discombobulated performance on a recent diplomatic visit to Turkey, where he failed to recognise a Turkish player for Barcelona, which he claims to be his favourite football team. Others dismiss this, asking with a shrug “what do you expect from a volleyball player?” In the wake of this development, one his closest collaborators resigned his seat, saying in private that he no longer recognised his old friend.
The rumours however were fuelled further by a series of what can only be described as a series of drunk-tweets following the visit, in which the Greek PM posed his Turkish counterpart a classic passive-aggressive make-up question both in Greek and mangled English: “Why can’t we stop arming against one another and instead bond over extracting aid from the Europeans to manage their refugee crisis?”
Puzzlement became even more intense after Tsipras (“or whoever was managing his Twitter account,” as one observer commented with a knowing wink) rushed to delete the English version (“possibly embarrassed by the over-enthusiastic use of a thesaurus – mercurial? WTF??” according to a more sceptical expert reached by email last week). The Turkish PM’s altogether more laconic response was translated from diplomaticspeak to mean, “No thanks, buddy, we’ve already got that covered”:
Speculation is raging that the Tsipras double planted by the “European project”/CIA-Mossad consortium has “gone rogue” due to excessive exposure to chemtrails, a well-known phenomenon in Greece, or prolonged Ibogaine deprivation due to a worsening shortage of imported drugs.
The PM’s televised address, originally scheduled for last week, was postponed due to “ill health”, prompting rumours that his handlers decided to withdraw him for an emergency re-programming session. It is believed that their goal was to use the address to gather support for painful pension reforms due to be put before parliament in the coming weeks, which it is feared could lead the government to lose its majority. Veteran conspiracy theorists claim to have evidence of a top secret facility code-named “The Island of Dr Schauble” in the depths a glacial lake in the Black Forest, where “personality re-alignment” is carried out at the behest of the New World Order in order to produce compliant reform clients. It is said that the neoliberal elites are desperate as they now see Tsipras as the only hope for implementing their sinister programme, following the complete implosion of the Greek official opposition.
Tsipras-watchers, however, speculate that his personality is proving particularly resistant to treatment. As evidence they cite a press release published yesterday in Greek by the PM’s office.
The release, which (if genuine) was issued in response to publications in the German press comparing Greece’s recent progress to that of a rudderless ship, opens with a defiant shout-out to the “unrepentant and fixated enemies of Greece” who “misinform and speculate (σπεκουλάρουν),” before hailing the “great success” of the recent recapitalisation of the Greek banks (a clear sign of delusion according to critics) and signing off with a sarcastic “Get well soon…” (the final “…” thought to have replaced the even more on-the-nose “h8ers” at the last minute due to the limitations of Google Translate).
The current whereabouts of both the “real Alexis” and his “double” are unknown, as even the most hardened conspiracy theorists have lost the thread of their investigations. Some have gone so far as to speculate that it is in fact he who will be replacing Socialist firebrand Nicolás Maduro as he prepares to vacate the presidential mansion in Caracas after his defeat in the weekend parliamentary elections. Crypto-linguists comparing Maduro’s grudging concession speech blaming a US-instigated right-wing “counter-revolution” and “economic war” argued that the close resemblance of the rhetoric to the Greek PM’s press release lends credence to this hypothesis. Experts are closely monitoring the activity of numerous Swiss bank accounts where Venezuelan government officials among others stashed close to $15 billion in the course of their embattled rule.
Meanwhile, ordinary Greeks are pre-ordering pizzas a stocking up on beer to watch tonight’s speech, which is expected to deliver record ratings in a country where the daily average 4+ hours of TV viewing have gone through the roof in the past year, due in great part to political blockbusters such as the July referendum and the cliffhanger negotiations with the troika, now in their third series. Bookmakers OPAP are believed to have registered record takings on the back of the “Tsipras bet”, a welcome boost to their bottom line in advance of the introduction of a €0.05 per wager tax on betting due to be introduced as part of the latest tax reform package.
*All stories and tweets linked to or reproduced are genuine, everything in between is a fabrication.