Battle of the Red Hot Flaming Divas

Emergency diplomatic protocol has been put in force at Athens airport this weekend to prevent a clash in the itineraries of two of the most demanding divas on the world stage, the Olympic Flame and the Holy Light. The two flaming hot dignitaries are both scheduled to be in Greece this weekend, and the rivalry between them has led the authorities to take special measures to ensure that their paths (and those of their extensive entourages) do not cross for fear of sparking off a diplomatic incident.

The Olympic Flame kicked off her world tour in Olympia on Thursday, scheduled to take in several key locations in Greece and the world, culminating in a two week residency at the Maracana Stadium in Rio de Janeiro in August. The Olympic Flame is known to adopt a punishing itinerary, featuring spectacular stunts, and with numerous featured guest appearances by sports stars and other celebrities along the way. She famously favours an understated style ostensibly inspired by the timeless ideal of Classical Greece, but beneath the cultivated facade of elegant simplicity lies a high maintenance diva of epic proportions. While her entourage sport identical white belted chitons intended to evoke the image of a Grecian maiden, the Flame herself insists on a new cutting edge haute couture wardrobe by a different designer for each tour.

After being lit by means of a solar mirror in a solemn ceremony, she was photographed in the arms of up-and-coming Syrian Paralympic athlete Ibrahim Al-Hussein, following the path blazed by Angelina Jolie through the refugee camp of Elaionas, before heading off to the next point on her tour. The move was said to be a nod towards the ancient custom of the Olympic Truce, which as been systematically disregarded by the modern Olympic movement. The gossip pages are already speculating that there is more to the relationship between the diva and her much younger bearer after pictures appeared of them together on social media. But the similarities with J-Lo don’t end there. The Flame’s contract rider, leaked to the press a few days earlier lays out her backstage requirement which bear more than a passing resemblance to those of the Latina star, know for her insistence on an all-white dressing room and white rose petals in the powder room.

Meanwhile, the Holy Light, with whom she is known to be locked in a fierce rivalry, is scheduled to arrive in Athens on Saturday, on her annual visit from Jerusalem to celebrate Greek Orthodox Easter. The Holy Light is ignited by a process shrouded in mystery backstage in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, travels to Athens as a dignitary on a special flight, and is greeted at the airport with full military honours as a head of state. She is known to favour a celibate all-male entourage of Orthodox monks. The dress code at her events is strictly formal, with costumes based on a jewel colour palette and black with heavy gold leaf accents, while she insists that everywhere she goes the air is frangranced with her own label incense and her fans are kept behind the velvet rope. It is expected that she will be received by her self-proclaimed “biggest fan”, Greek “Call of Duty” champion Panos Kammenos, whose rotund form has been a regular feature of her recent appearances, sparking rumours of a possible romance.

The Holy Light has strict dietary requirements, which dictate that both her entourage and her fans observe a forty day detox (or “fast”) before her arrival in Athens. This is followed by a ritual “binge” on ovicaprid meat and offal, hard boiled eggs and chocolate. Many of her devotees are known to suffer ecstatic stomach cramps following the feast, during which they are said to find enlightenment.

A flaming diva and her biggest fan (as imagined by P. Kammenos).

The red hot rivalry between the two flame divas goes back centuries. While the Olympic Flame claims to be the original Torch Queen dating back to 776 BC, the Holy Light has been making much of the fact that Olympic Torch Relay was revealed as the brainchild of a controversial Austrian impresario and demagogue who took the world by storm with the modern torch rally in 1930s Germany. Her latest comment to the press seems designed to ignite a flame-fest, “Nobody throws shade on the Light of the Resurrection. Beeotch!”.

In fact, rumour has it that the real animus between the two is more to do with the fact that they both owe their eternal youthfulness to the rejuvenating treatments of the secretive Dr Zippo, who is flown in specially from his clinic in the Swiss Alps to minister to them during their frequent bouts of “exhaustion” on tour.

Battle of the Red Hot Flaming Divas

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