PR shock tactics – agrarian edition

To: Greek Farmers Union, Agrinion Chapter

From: ¡Revolución! Communications 

Re: “Project Jihad”

Nice work, guys.

The youtube video of your little conceptual performance at the barricades has gone viral.

First of all, great homage to the ISIS PR machine. Those guys are at the cutting edge (see what I did there?) and you have used their visual vocabulary to great effect: nothing says “holy war” like orange jumpsuits and big knives, and the face masks add a whole new dimension of creepy. Really amps it up on the French-style milk/whitewash-spilling, right? That stuff is just so derivative and passé… Also, I think you’ll agree it’s good to take the heat off that little “incident” the other day: giving stage instructions on-camera at a “spontaneous” protest is “breaking the fourth wall”, you need an educated audience to appreciate the Brechtian reference and not cry “media set-up” like the local heathens.

Second, I know you’ve been getting a lot of heat about this being “offensive”. Now here’s the genius: who are you really offending? Sure, a few hundred thousand women and children risking life and limb to get away from that kind of situation might find it traumatic. But guess what? They don’t have a say on your pensions or your tax regime, so you can offend away! It’s not like you mentioned the Civil War or anything… Is it proportionate? Hell, no. But hyperbole is the name of the game. All publicity is good publicity. The outraged urban elites having conniptions about this on social media are just doing your work for you.

Now you need to keep up the pressure. This was great for getting some advance publicity, but you need to start thinking about the main event.

I will be very disappointed if next week in Syntagma Square I don’t see, in addition to the ninja footwork and the regional beefcake, a nice plump burning effigy in a silk tie and pocket square. At the very least.

 

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About ¡Revolución! Communications

If you want to put your views across to a minister or senior government official and you don’t have (a) a lobbying and entertainment budget, (b) a secret “commissions” slush fund, or (c) a relative in the ministry, you need to follow these simple guidelines to get your message across. At ¡Revolución! Communications your mission is our passion.

Read also: our popular briefing Five Steps to Effective Political Communications.

 

Dear Aunt Cassandra: the yuppies are revolting

Dear Aunt Cassandra,

What is it with all the yuppies coming out the woodwork? One day I’m too kool for skool rocking the no-tie look and wiping the floor with the oldsters, the next day I turn up and some preppy d**chebag is chatting up my girl. So what, James Spader, today you’re inviting us to a pool party at daddy’s mansion to humiliate us (as if!), tomorrow you’re done for insider trading. Boom! You’re toast, Duckie the underdog wins the girl (or is it the Andrew McCarthy guy? – must watch “Pretty in Pink” again. Or was I thinking of “The Breakfast Club”? or Ferris Bueller? Yeah I’m definitely Ferris Bueller – dude its been too long since I had a Brat Pack marathon, happy days…). Anyway it’s not like he’s not that cool either – he’s way too old for the floppy hair and he has those weird boggly eyes. And he really is a daddy’s boy. I’m mainly worried that he’ll get an interview with Uncle Wolfgang, and then there goes the summer job at the bank… He’s just the type, neoliberal yuppie scum. “I went to Harvard, dontcha know?” Well check this out, I came tops at Harvard and didn’t even have to pay tuition! 

Then I head downtown to check out the vinyl and it’s wall-to-wall business attire, marching and chanting, like a zombie apocalypse but reeking of Drakkar Noir and Poison. Am I hallucinating, or have the ’80s come back to bite me?

What gives?

Your loving nephew, Alex.

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Dear Alexander,

I wish you wouldn’t use words like “neol*beral”, you know it upsets me when you swear…

Now, be honest with me, are you back on the Ibogaine? Zombie apocalypse in central Athens, indeed… Are you sure it wasn’t the old comrades in their new dress code? There is some pretty ideologically correct neckwear available these days!

As for the other stuff, darling, this isn’t the ’80s and your life isn’t a Brat Pack film. You really need to snap out of it. But while we’re trapped in this unproductive analogy, I should point out that the world has moved on, and James Spader has gone from being the all-purpose Reaganite villain to everyone’s favourite cuddly sex creep. And where is your Andrew McCarthy now? All I’m saying is, you can’t bank on dialectical materialism giving your preppy friend his come-uppance.

It’s a topsy turvy world, my boy. You’re not the underdog anymore. You will just have to deal with it.

Your despairing Aunt Cassandra.

P.S. When you go to Davos next week please don’t crack any jokes about “visiting auntie’s money”, OK? Nobody finds that funny.

 

Images: Title: PRETTY IN PINK • Pers: SPADER, JAMES / RINGWALD, MOLLY • Year: 1986 • Dir: DEUTCH, HOWARD • Ref: PRE016AP • Credit: [ PARAMOUNT / THE KOBAL COLLECTION ]; AP Photo/Thanassis Stavrakis via ajc.com

 

Black December, red pen

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ATHENS TECHNICAL SCHOOL (TEI): COURSEWORK COVER SHEET *

Department: Business Administration

Module: Introduction to Marketing

Grading period: Winter Semester 2015

Submitted by: Nikos Romanos, Panayiotis Argyros

Project: Write the copy for a marketing campaign to introduce “Black Friday” into the Greek retail calendar. “Black Friday” is a 24-hour period of sales held the day after Thanksgiving in the United States, but now extended to online retailers and traditional retail venues outside the U.S. where Thanksgiving is not celebrated. It has become common for shoppers to camp overnight outside the retail venues to queue for cheap consumer goods. Violence, injuries and even deaths have occasionally resulted from poor crowd control.

Grade: B-

Detailed Comments: Some sparky stuff in here, but 2,571 words is really excessive. You need to work to a 250 word limit – maximum! In my markup, I have suggested ways to improve and shorten your copy. Detailed comments follow.

Concept: I LOVE your idea of a month day of revolution, and I also love how you are able blend it with an anapologetically nostalgic appeal (“let us remember”): you’re saying “it’s new and radical but also familiar and comforting”. I can immediately see the cross-platform potential of spontaneous street actions: “direct action groups”, “public interventions” (flashmobs in downtown Athens and in the shopping malls, a social media campaign, we can Astro-turf the hell out of this one). Paint the town red, explosions of colour against the grey concrete! Very “Apple Mackintosh 1984”, classic!

Style: You have got the authentic touches here, you really seem to have studied your Bakunin, and absorbed that rich yet stilted language. You have a kind of vintage, steampunk thing going on. But we need to remember our audience. I think here we need to focus on the dynamic elements: “Youth!” “Spontaneity!” “Impetuous!” “Revolution!” “Explosive!” Short sentences! Punchy!

Content: I have picked out some of my favourite quotes which I think really capture the spirit:

“We are living the beginning of the end of the world as we know it” – I love this, it really highlights to momentousness of the occasion (and it would be momentous, in a country where “never on Sunday” is still a slogan in the retail space).

“Black December Friday is more than just a date” – I paraphrase slightly, but again, MOMENTOUS!

“The only possible alliance is with the world of probabilities” – a world of probabilities: how optimistic, how ASPIRATIONAL!

You really have a gift for evoking the joy of shopping: “the consumption of bliss”, “the windows of abundance” – really had me reaching for my credit card there.

I suggest you avoid describing violence and oppression directly. The tyranny of the current retail calendar can be implied quite powerfully using visual cues. Study how that Apple ad does it: they reference George Orwell and show riot police on American TV, during the Super Bowl. No-one bats an eyelid, no-one ends up in jail! That’s cojones!

Also: you quote several “alternative” poets to illustrate your points. In a multi-media context we can do this with musical cues. Nirvana would be my go-to music for this type of message: grungy yet “safe” for consumers; instant appeal for Generation X demographic, rebels with a healthy disposable income.

Logistics: I suspect a month of steep discounts would be too much even for a healthy retail client, hence I suggest we stick to the original “Black Friday”, but I give you points for thinking big.

Conclusion: Please don’t be discouraged by the red ink or the grade, this is one of the most promising pieces of work I have seen this semester. When you become available for work, I will be delighted to introduce you to my good friends at ¡Revolución! Communications, who are always on the lookout for talent – they have an interesting client list and your experience will be relevant.

 

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* All external links are 100% genuine, everything in between in a fabrication.

The original text used in this exercise is a proclamation issued on the 11th November 2015 by Nikos Romanos and Panayiotis Argyros from prison, calling for a “Black December” of mayhem, vandalism and bomb attacks. The original Greek text can be found here, and translation was done for expediency by Google Translate – the surreal mash-up of nihilism, exuberance and half-digested jargon is mostly preserved. A time-bomb which detonated in the early hours of Tuesday 24th November outside the Hellenic Federation of Enterprises in central Athens, causing significant material damage, may or may not have been linked to this proclamation. The Christmas lights were lit 50 metres away in Syntagma Square that same evening by the Mayor of Athens.

Nikos Romanos is serving a 16-year prison term for armed robbery. He was a key witness when his teenage friend, Alexis Grigoropoulos was shot dead by a policeman in the Athens neighbourhood of Exarcheia in December 2008, an incident which resulted in extensive rioting in the centre of Athens. After the incident, Romanos went underground, believed to be hiding with various anti-authoritarian groups, until he was arrested in the course of an armed bank robbery in northern Greece in February 2013. He is also suspected of involvement in a number of non-fatal terror attacks. While in prison, he sat his university entry exams and gained a place to study Business Administration at the Technical School (TEI) of Athens. In 2014 he went on hunger strike to demand permission to attend classes on day release rather than by remote study.  His demand was not met. Sympathetic views hold that Romanos is torn between a genuine desire to learn and his ties to anarcho-terrorist groups in prison. This latest proclamation suggests that any rehabilitation effort is losing ground. This post imagines a more optimistic scenario in which the text has been misinterpreted, and where it is in fact a testament to the redemptive power of Business Studies.

Panayiotis Argyros is a member of the anarcho-terrorist group Conspiracy of the Cells of Fire (Συνωμοσία των Πυρήνων της Φωτιάς, or SPF), one of the latest generation of domestic urban guerilla groups which have been active in Greece since the 1970s. SPF have been responsible for a number of terror attacks and attempted attacks involving time-bombs and parcel-bombs against political and business targets since 2008. Argyros was arrested in November 2010 after a parcel bomb addressed to then French President Nicolas Sarkozy detonated in the hands of a courier company employee causing his injury. He is serving a 25-year term for his involvement in the organisation and a number of bombing attacks on political and business targets. Recently, a former Citizen Protection Minister in the previous Syriza/ANEL government initiated a judicial investigation by alleging that senior Syriza officials were being lobbied by imprisoned members of the SPF group, and that his life was under threat as a result of his non-cooperation.

Images: Daniel Acker: Bloomberg; seleo.gr via stoxos.gr

 

 

 

Five steps to effective political communications

If you want to put your views across to a minister or senior government official and you don’t have (a) a lobbying and entertainment budget, (b) a secret “commissions” slush fund, or (c) a relative in the ministry, you need to follow these simple guidelines to get your message across. At ¡Revolución! Communications your mission is our passion.

Commit to a brand identity. Many underestimate branding as a superficial exercise and an unnecessary expense. However, have a browse through a good branding handbook relevant to your business, and you will see that every revolutionary success story is underpinned by a great brand.

Be brief and to the point. Ministers and senior officials are busy people, and most of their correspondence ends up in a pile to be read by some junior flunky. No-one will read a turgid 40-page manifesto with your sophomoric musings on Marx or Bakunin unless you plant a bomb. At ¡Revolución! Communications we believe that non-violent forms of expression can be just as effective. A few well-chosen words, suitably framed, are all you need to get your point across. A slight verbal tick (e.g. brackets or random capitals) might help to suggest that you are slightly unhinged, but don’t go overboard.

Pick a distinctive logo. We are big fans of the red star. Some say it is over-used but we think it has an elegant timeless simplicity. It says “I’m a left-of-centre revolutionary” but without too many specifics (for this reason we advise against the hammer and sickle which lost its freshness long ago).

Spend some time picking a signature. You may wish to preserve some mystery around your identity. This may be necessary for security purposes, but it is also a useful way of implying that you are a movement rather than a lone nutter. We recommend this revolutionary name generator as a starting point. NB: It is essential that you check that your chosen name isn’t already in use – you wouldn’t want some young punk taking credit for your righteous actions.

Say it with a gift. Always accompany your letter with discreet gift that helps you to communicate your message. Make sure you comply with your own corporate gift policy and that of the recipient. As a rule, it is good to pick something inexpensive so as not require an entry in the gifts register. In your case, we recommend something punchy – like a bullet (not to be confused with bullet points, remember “powerpoint is evil”). Also: as with words, so with bullets. One is enough to make your point. This is not a Cretan wedding.

Image: Letter received yesterday by the Greek Deputy Finance Minister in charge of taxation, accompanied by a single bullet. The letter reads: “TRYFON ALEXIADIS, COLLECTOR OF THE WERMACHT… UNTIL THE HOUR <0> YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT FEAR MEANS, YOU AND YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS… RED FACTION.” A similar letter, also accompanied by a bullet, was received last week by the Chair of the the advisory committee on pensions, the so-called “Committee of Wise Men”. Taxation and pension reform are two of the key areas where the government is pushing forward with further austerity policies as part of the latest bailout agreement.

Aunt Cassandra’s tough love: How not to pitch for business

Dear Alexander,

I hope you don’t mind that I drop the “Che” nonsense now that you’re a grown man with responsibilities. I know you didn’t come to me for advice, but I feel the need to tell you a few unvarnished truths. Your aunt Gianna came and told me she pulled some strings with her friend Mr Clinton at the Lions Club and arranged for you to pitch to him and his friends for business, and I understand it wasn’t the greatest success*. There I go, being diplomatic again! She is so embarrassed, she doesn’t know if she’ll have the nerve to attend their fundraiser tonight.

First of all, let me tell you, I’m amazed he gave you the time of day, especially given your friends’ tradition of having a loud party outside his house in Athens on an annual basis and calling his friends imperialist murderers (if he was a few eggs at Halloween he would understand, but mid-November?). It must say something about your aunt’s skills of persuasion, or maybe Mr Clinton remembers he was once a charming young rascal himself, who knows? What matters is, he didn’t owe you an invitation, you didn’t earn it, and yet by the sounds of it you managed to squander it. Not saying you should tug your forelock, but opportunities like this don’t grow on trees.

Let’s start from the basics. I know you are going to say that English isn’t your first language. You’re very good at excuses but that is not a real one. Your Italian friend Matteo is also deficient in his language skills, but somehow he manages to make it sound charming because he actually has something to say. He doesn’t just sit there fidgeting with his notes, looking shifty. He gives them a run for their money.

Did anyone tell you you were there to pitch for an investment? I’m sure your auntie will have mentioned this, she’s no fool. More to the point, do you actually know the difference between an investment and a loan, or (heaven forbid) a handout? Doesn’t sound like it, to hear your aunt describe it. Now I may just be a housewife but I watched your uncle Aristos build his used car dealership from scratch, so I think I can say I have more experience in business than you do. When the customer looks you in the eye and asks you “will this car still be running in a year?” you don’t giggle nervously and look at your shifty associates. You don’t say “that is a good question” to buy time to think up an answer, oh no. If you can’t answer that question straigthaway you have lost the customer.

Now, to the more advanced stuff. When an investor asks you if your business is sound, you don’t into a long spiel about how your cousins are crooks and layabouts and left the books in a mess, or how the bank manager is on your back for a bad loan. The man gave you an out, he said he knew the business had seen better days, he even gave a wink that the previous management (your cousins) weren’t to be trusted. Now he wants to hear what you are going to do about it. He wants you to look him in they eye and give him a straight story. So, when he asks you what the business is good at, you don’t say “this and that”, you don’t say your employees are talented and deserving. Do you even know what a business plan is? Mr Clinton sounds like he knows the business better than you do, because he actually did his homework. And he’s a proper grown-up. Imagine. I know you were able to wing it at school, but this is for real. Read my lips. He knows it’s a mess, he doesn’t want to hear excuses, he is giving you a chance to redeem yourself.

By the way, I don’t know if you realised what you were saying, but Mr Clinton got you to commit in front of his friends to put some of your own money in the business**. They don’t call him Slick Willy for nothing.

What can I say, my boy? The only blessing is there weren’t more people there to see. You are young, you will have more opportunities, that’s why I’m giving you the tough love. But I would hate to see your father’s business go under because you weren’t man enough to face up to your responsibilities.

One last thing, Alexander. I understand that these days not wearing a tie is OK (Koula says her son who has a fancy job at JP Morgan is allowed to unbutton his shirt on Fridays) but for goodness’ sake remember your upbringing and please don’t slouch!

Much love,

Your aunt Cassandra.

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* On the 27th September 2015 Greek PM Alexis Tsipras participated in a Q&A with former President Bill Clinton as part of the annual meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative in New York. The full 30 minute video is available here and is recommended viewing as a companion to this post.

** In the course of the Q&A, Clinton prompted Tsipras to commit to creating a public investment fund for startup businesses. This did not get widely reported, but was clearly intended to be on record.

More synoptic reports can be found here and here.

Image from ekathimerini.com

Dear Aunt Cassandra: Who is the one for me?

Dear Aunt Cassandra,

I need your help again. I have a tough choice to make. Since I last wrote, a lot has happened. Alexis has decided he is “giving me space to think”. He came to mine and said he was sorry for what he has put me through (he looked really cut up) and he promised that our best days are still ahead of us if I chose him, but then he said  it’s up to me to decide. I know he has stopped hanging out with all the people you warned me about, the creepy throwback, the tomboy bully and of course the wide boy. Except for the fat loser, he says the two of them are “brothas from another mutha” and he wouldn’t betray him no matter what. And he is not that popular anymore, the lower years are dissing him openly – not cool. Meanwhile, I have asked out by an older guy (!). He is a bit old skool, he knows how to treat a girl like a lady, but he also seems to have some right dodgy mates and sometimes he likes to talk like a nightclub bouncer. Everyone else is a bunch of losers, they keep saying we should all get on together, and not take sides. I dunno…

Yours,

Parthenope

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Dear Parthenope,

You know me, I’m a bit old fashioned. When it comes to difficult choices I generally ask the φλιτζάνι (coffee cup). So I brewed a nice thick Greek coffee as per the ritual, tipped the cup over to let it it drip while I watched the latest on our pension cuts (I don’t really understand it but I like the drama) and then turned it back up to read the cup. Disappointing. No winding roads, no wedding crowns, no men on horseback. Just mud. I thought I saw a tall dark stranger in your future, but I couldn’t really make him out, except I think his name begins with a “K”.

So I tried the modern method: I called my friends. They are all old like me, they sit at home waiting for the phone to ring, it gives them something to do. It’s not quite as good at predictions as the φλιτζάνι, but it gave us an excuse for a good natter. And what did they say? Well, I can tell you that your friend Alexis and the Older Guy are neck and neck – some of the old birds still think your young friend looks like a παληκάρι who will make good, others prefer a man of experience and some proper foliage on his upper lip. To me, it’s like Justin Bieber vs. Van Morrison. Can’t stand either of them. But each to their own… But then, to my surprise, more and more of them mentioned our Mr “K”. They gave him a name, “Kanenas”. “Nobody”*. I was puzzled. Does this mean “Nobody” is good enough for you? Does it mean you should hold out for the tall dark stranger?

I don’t know, girl. I hold up my hands. All I know is what your uncle Homer said: “Don’t trust anyone who calls himself Nobody. If you started with one good eye, you’ll end up with none.”

* “Nobody” or “None of the above” was the most popular response to the question “Who do you trust most as Prime Minister?“,  or “Who do you trust most to manage the agreement?”

Image from diaforetiko.gr

BREAKING NEWS: ND fired by top campaign advisor

To:         Evangelos Meimarakis

From:     James Carville (J.C.)

Date:     01 September 2015

Re:        Campaign advisory contract – cancellation

Call me a stuffed armadillo! Loulis just explained to me about tonight’s little ‘welcome home’ rally at yer old HQ. Are you smokin’ Bayou Baccie? Seriously!! You are SHOWING A FILM celebrating all yer OLD DINOSAURS, and inviting two of the MOST TOXIC POLITICIANS YOUR PARTY HAS EVER FIELDED to be the GUESTS OF HONOR???!!!??!!!??!!?

You done gone and give me one MASSIVE WEDGIE. I been happier to find a fist-sized toe-biter in my café au lait, mon frère! Now I don’t like to swear, but y’all are DUMBER THAN A TUB FULL OF TADPOLES. Dang! What did I tell y’all about NEW FACES, NEW BLOOD, NEW IDEAS??? BURY the past and MOVE ON because all these old gator turds are VOTER POISON!!!!! But DO YOU LISTEN??? HELL NO!

SO WHAT DO YOU DO but GO THROW A BIG FRIGGIN’ PARTY and invite the WHOLE WORLD to see what a bunch of DUMBASSES Y’ALL ARE!!!!

I SWEAR I could git Netanyahu elected Prime Minister IN THE WEST BANK easier than I can git you to do just ONE DANG SMART THANG in this crisis of yours!!!! What you expect me to do?? PISS IN THE WIND AND CALL IT CONFETTI???

So I GIVE UP. QUIT. RESIGN. Going H-O-M-E. Loulis is packing my duffel and hailing a cab downstairs. Four connecting flights and I’m sleeping in my own bunk by Thursday.

Here’s one last beignet to stick up yer Baton Rouge: yer country is more SCREWED UP than a polecat in a paper mill. People are gonna REMEMBER NAMES AND FACES, and they’ll remember a few decades down the road who shirked the call and who STEPPED UP. It’s up to YOU amigos. But hey, it’s your couche couche. Laissez les bon temps rouler.

Image: from Zougla.gr (in case you can’t read the watermark)

What would J.C. do? Campaign memo to the Greek opposition

To:         Evangelos Meimarakis; Stavros Theodorakis; Fotini Gennimata

From:     James Carville (J.C.)

Date:     23 August 2015

Re:         Campaign advisory contract proposal

Sorry for the group email, guys, but it’s late and I’ve just arrived in Athens after what must have been, what, three? four? five? flights. Hard to believe there ain’t a direct connection between DC and Athens?! You’d think Christine would have fixed that, what with all the air miles her guys clocked up.

So first things first, compadres: for the life of me I can’t figure out which one of you is ‘leading’ the opposition. Been locked in my hotel room all day and night watching the news, and quite frankly can’t tell y’all apart. Maybe it’s the heat, but it seems like the more fringe you are, the more TV time you git.

Okay, so let’s just make sure I’m on the right page – the big, shrill woman that reminds me of my fifth grade Spanish teacher Miss Hernandez, who’s always looking pissed off and delivering lectures (beats me what they’re about and my translator Loulis has yet to enlighten me – not that the boy’s playing with a full set of crab traps anyhows), she’s don’t run the country that right? And the guy that looks like my history teacher from senior year, the boring one with the white attempted beard fluff, glasses and the creepy beady eyes, he doesn’t run the country either? And the young-ish guy (at least compared to the rest) with the full head of black hair and the permanent smirk, Loulis tells me he’s not the head of the opposition – because I assumed he must be as he’s hardly on television – he’s actually the guy in charge? Or used to be? He’s Mr Popularity?

Dang pooter down a well, y’all got problems, a right ol’ mess on your hands, and I’m not sure I can do much. I’ve seen gumbo that was clearer than this so-called political ‘system’ you got here. Bolsheviks and Neo-Nazis out-poll most of you sensible middle-of-the-road types. Not that it helps that so many of you guys got THE SAME LAST NAME! I thought it was like Iceland or something because you couldn’t possibly all be related. Going back through the briefing papers you sent, it gets REAL confusing. Except that Loulis tells me it’s not just that y’all got the same names – you actually ARE related. Kinda like Hillary and Bill and Jeb and Bubba and ol’ George Herbert Walker. You’d think we’d come up with a few folks to run the country who aren’t TOO GENETICALLY CLOSE TO MARRY. Let me tell you right here that nothing feeds public cynicism with politicians like NEPOTISM. But I’m gitting ahead of myself.

So Loulis tells me that even though you guys PERSONALLY weren’t holding office over the past five years when the whole economy when down the bayou, y’all belong, or used to belong, to the parties that were supposedly running (or should that be ‘ruining’) the country. That y’all are tainted with a stink as bad as the smell in Daddy’s Dodge after Grandma left a pot of boiled crawfish in the trunk for a week after the church summer supper. Ain’t no way they was EVER gonna get that smell outta that dang car after that.

So the way I see it, the voters, they’ve got a point. They’re pissed off. Young-ish guy who’s never on the television says he’ll do it different, his hands are clean, everybody votes for him. Why not?

Well turns out the guy’s a complete turkey, deep fried, sanctified, butterball-stuffed and sliced. Either y’all elected a LIAR or an IDIOT. Neither is any reason to throw a fais do do. So Greece is mal pris – and that ain’t half the truth. But no point gittin’ all boude ‘bout it. Let’s do something to fix it.

Best I can tell from looking at the numbers, there’s the negative issue of ‘politics as usual’ and ‘the usual suspects’ practicing the politics as usual. This new guy is, well, NEW, but if he ain’t practicing the old religion, by golly I’m a pork tamale. Way I hear it, having signed onto a crazy bad deal with the lenders, he’s gone and re-hired all the civil servants that was hired and then laid off by the previous governments, namely you guys. I’m a Democrat and we don’t have no problem with guvment. Guvment is a good thing, but like everything, moderation brothers and sisters, moderation. Just cuz you like a bit of Uncle Claude’s hooch don’t mean you got to finish the whole dang barrel. Do you really need TEN FOLKS to sell you a postage stamp? Hell no! And what’s wrong with this picture? Aren’t the comrades usually on the side of the guys in the hard hats down the hole, however ersatz?

Now I gotta admit I like a guy who knows how to buy votes, but if that ain’t a lizard down grandma’s nightie for you guys, I don’t know what is. Seems like everybody’s too busy ‘strategizing’ and being ‘civil’ to react to anything. Jump down the sumbitch’s throat! That’s a gift he handed you and I don’t see y’all doing nothing! Those folks, they ain’t never gonna vote for you anyway, but you have a better weapon – all those other poor folks who ain’t had NO JOB for five years. Don’t be scared of a few thousand civil servants – WHACK that mutha with a BIG STICK.

Like I said before, the BIG negative for y’all is that you’re all TAINTED and there’s no UN-tainting y’all. Face it friends, unless you want to see the country down the CRAPPER, you need FRESH FACES AND NAMES, fer cryin’ out loud.

So recommendation Numero Uno: start putting some YOUNG folks with energy on the television whose uncle / dad / grandpa / brother / sister / cousin AIN’T already been prime minister / party secretary. YOU GIT THE PICTURE??

Now for the positive: these poll figures I’ve seen all say that these same dang voters are DESPERATE to stay in the European Union, notwithstanding WHATEVER THE HELL that referendum business was about. The other guys, my old Spanish teacher and the History teacher guy, they want to leave and take you back to the drachma. I seem to recall the drachma was something like 300 to the Euro way back, no? What do you think it will be now? Try 3000 to the Euro. Maybe 30,000, it’s any sumbitches’ guess (I got Loulis watching my Asia portfolio right now and I can tell you Mr Euro’s looking pretty dang good). Any currency you need to use SCIENTIFIC NOTATION to describe in order to buy a pack of chewing gum is NOT A SMART IDEA.

Recommendation Numero Deux: You need to start HAMMERING that fact home EVERY DANG TIME YOU OPEN YER DAMN TRAPS.

And I see on the BBC that all yer pretty islands near Turkey have become the vacation destination of choice for all those poor Syrian folk. Hey at least those guys have money to spend and only want to hang around long enough to take a selfie and get on the next ferry / bus / train / plane to Germany. Now let’s think for a minute. Your friends the Turks are more than happy to facilitate these folks getting in a boat and sending them your way. What happens when Greece is no longer part of the EU? That gum will be stuck to YOUR shoe, Bubba. Oh yeah, you can talk tough about sealing the borders like that armadillo-haired rabid old water moccasin Trump and his Mexicans, but, seriously? You got about a million miles of coastline, and Turkey just itchin’ to send a problem yer way. And you didn’t get the Nazi vote last time either, so my advice is to quit the goose-stepping. The EU money your government hasn’t even bothered to apply for to help (FER THE LOVE OF THE ALMIGHTY, the EU guy in charge of it is ONE OF YER OWN – if he’s even human! Ask for the damn money!), well THAT MONEY WON’T EXIST ‘COS YOU WON’T NO LONGER BE IN THE EU. MUY MUY grande problemo, amigos.

And so that leads me to recommendation Numero Trois: It’s bad enough being on the southern frontier of Europe with the Middle East and Africa goin’ down the can on your doorstep as a member of the EU. How’s that gonna feel when you’re all by your lonesome, compadres? The other guys use immigrants to SCARE y’all – you should use them to remind people that EUROPE is there to help in precisely this situation. Observe how your slick young neighbor over in Italy used the trouble down south to change the subject AND look statesmanlike. That’s how it’s done, my friends. Get out there and be seen doing something. It’s more than mister invisible nice guy is doing. IT’S A CRISIS AND THE GUVMENT HAS DECIDED TO WALK AWAY. Turn it to your ADVANTAGE!!

So, friends, I see it like this: the country is actually divided between a PRO-EUROPEAN MAJORITY (M-A-J-O-R-I-T-Y), and a XENOPHOBIC, ECONOMICALLY ILLITERATE, FANTASIST, NATIONALISTIC MINORITY.

You three gotta sit down and form a new party. A PRO-EUROPE party. ONE PARTY. Not another dang coalition, but an ACTUAL PARTY. Bury the hatchets, suck it up, and JUST DO IT. Face it, the jig’s up for the old ways. Now is your HISTORIC MOMENT. Seize it! – don’t sit there and twiddle your komboloï (thanks Loulis, finally earning your per diem). These old tribes are a fat possum round yer necks, ‘bout as welcome as a gator at a garden party. Sure, y’all are gonna lose this crazy-ass next election (excuse me, but don’t you guys have enough trouble finding money to pay bus fare without holding two full elections and a referendum in one year???). Lay the groundwork now for a ‘new political dialogue’, rather than crap like the old-rope-with-a-new-name Syriza jerk offs. New blood on the frontlines. You can’t pretend the past don’t exist, but give people something to talk aboutTHAT IS POSITIVE. I like that crazy mutha from Thessaloniki, the stoner dude. He makes sense, tells it like it is, has got brass balls. And look at him – he’s holding onto his job! IT CAN WORK. The old ways are broken as a raccoon in a grits mill. These new guys, they just playing the GAME like it’s always been played. Point that out EVERY TIME YOU TALK TO THE PRESS.

And for the love of bourbon and mother’s milk, stop being pussies! Hit ‘em hard, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, with the same, clear message. I DON’T CARE if it’s your annual summer vacation on some dang beach. If you don’t fix this TODAY, y’all are gonna be on PERMANENT VACATION. Repeat after me: IT’S THE CLIENTELISM STUPID! (OK, need something catchier). Find some YOUNG ENTREPRENEUR TYPES who can TALK and don’t dress like an insurance salesman from Houma to STICK THEIR NECKS OUT and point out HOW MUCH DAMAGE these idiots are doing. Don’t just sit there and commission polls – get out there and face the ZYDECO! Bunch of DAMN ELITES HIDING IN THEIR PARTY OFFICES – that dawg don’t hunt, brothers and sisters.

So here is the Big Idea: STAND FOR SOMETHING. You’ve got nothing to lose, so give people an ACTUAL DAMN CHOICE. Rather than a dozen different parties and candidates running for every damn seat in your parliament, make is SIMPLE for people. THINK BIG. Git off yer asses and WORK THE STREET. This crisis is your opportunity. If the government won’t lead, then y’all have a duty to. And if you aren’t up to it, y’all should JUST GO HOME and stop pretending to give a chaoui’s pecker for yer country.

This is YOUR moment, brothers and sisters. NOW SEIZE IT OR GIT GOIN’. Over and out.

J.C.

PS Invoice is attached.

PPS The country may be broke but I see you folks got some money in the kitty.

Image from dailycaller.com

Hey babe…

Babe…

[showered, clean shirt, tucked in, just enough product to keep the quiff neat, but looking appropriately sleepless]

Μωρó μου (babe)…

I’ve done a lot of thinking… I think it’s time to show some commitment. I know things between us have been rough lately. But that’s because I’ve been fighting for us, babe. Because I really care. [look defiant!] You know, I was the one who told your ex to p*ss off and stop making unreasonable demands. I made the whole world listen. When your family tried to come between us I wanted to tell them to p*ss off too, but you know I can’t do that.

Yes, I know I promised a lot, and I haven’t been able to deliver like I wanted [puppy eyes]. But I’ve shown willing. I did take you to the 2-D Transformers movie, and er… a bunch of other things that I can remember now… but when we’re back together for good I promise you it’s going to be 3-D all the way. I’ve got some pocket money already, we can go out tonight.

You know, I’ve fallen out with loads of people over this. People I thought were friends, but who betrayed me. What you gonna do? H8ers gonna H8…

Babe, [puppy eyes again] I know I’ve driven you to the brink, but I’m sorry. Our most beautiful days are still ahead of us. I know only I can make you happy. You have to trust me on this.

So.. whaddya think?

(wink)

Dear Aunt Cassandra: I’m terrified of not being popular

 

Dear Aunt Cassandra,

This year I was elected school president, which has always been my dream. But now I’m not so sure it was a good idea. I thought that once I was in I would be even more popular than before, I would get to do what I want and I would never have to buy another drink. Of course I made all sorts of promises to get in, but isn’t that what everyone does? Now it’s even worse than I thought, the other guys really did use up all the money in the kitty, they weren’t just bullsh*tt*ng me. And everyone, including my homeys who are only there because I picked them, is nagging me about “what are we going to do now?” and “where are we going on the school trip?” Everyone has different ideas and they expect me to make a decision. That wasn’t part of the deal! I wish I could tell them all to p*ss off, but I don’t want to look uncool.

I am losing sleep, I keep waking up in a panic. I have nightmares that my friends aren’t talking to me anymore. What can I do?

Yours,

“Che” 

---

Dear “Che”,

When Mick Jagger sang that “it’s lonely at the top” he wasn’t complaining about trouble finding a girlfriend, was he?

You seem like a pretty pragmatic chap to me, even though you have shown pretty poor judgement in people. What you do really depends what you want out of life, and that is something only you can know.

You are not going to get the pool table for the canteen, or take everyone to Mykonos like you promised, that’s for sure.

If you’re worried about losing your “homeys”, don’t. You don’t need to prove yourself and you don’t need that passive-aggressive loser as your wing-man either. When it comes down to it, we both know the cool girls would rather own up to still liking Justin Bieber (#nightmare) than pick that guy over you. Especially when they realise that they’d have to give up their razors and deodorant.

As to who gets to choose where you go on your school trip, do you really want to visit cousin Kim’s firing range outside Pyonyang? Or spend a week swatting the mosquitos off uncle Vladimir’s torso on his annual Siberian camping trip?

I know your plan B was to organise a South American road trip on the cheap, sleeping on friends’ sofas. But you know Nicolás can’t even get beer and snacks these days, and Raúl’s place is crawling with the worst kind of yanquis. As for that Jeremy from the big school across town, even if he does get the keys to the country estate, he doesn’t really look like the partying type, does he?

Your Belgian pen pal may have had a point, even though you were just pretending to listen. This could be your opportunity to do something positive.

I’m not naive enough to think that kids go into school politics because they believe in the noble idea of public service (ha!). But your options are limited. From where I stand, you’re still popular enough that you could take the class to pick up garbage from the highway and still call it a school trip. Ever read Tom Sawyer?

I don’t really know you that well, but you seem to enjoy strategising. Instead of playing pool in the basement of the old guys’ bar during school hours, maybe you should try a real man’s game like chess. And if you show up for class a bit more you may pick up some basic maths – we’ve seen that you’re good at division, but there’s more to it than that.

As I said before, only you know what you want. You may think that what I’m suggesting is “selling out”. I will leave you with one final thought: If you’re thinking that at the end of the day you can still cash in your chips and trade your life comrade for a busty air hostess, you should bear in mind that we don’t own the airline anymore, and Ryanair girls have higher standards…

Image: Alone by Derek Mindler licensed under CC BY 2.0